


Darkest before the Storm

by joannereads



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M, Not A Happy Ending, Some Sex, Unrequited Love, sorry about this, unrequited!Steve - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-28 07:12:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7630294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joannereads/pseuds/joannereads
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Look, if you're just curious, that's fine. Maybe we can play around a little, give you a few new experiences to never write home about. But I don't want to ruin this thing between us, okay? I don't want us to get in so deep that when it falls apart we can't even be in the same room. You need to think about it." Steve pats Danny's hand and heads back into the house.</p>
<p>So, over on tumblr a few people were talking about unrequited!Steve and this story began to write itself in my head. But it's been a hard one to write, painful and sad and not fun and . . . well, you get the picture. There's no happy ending here. There's some sex, because i don't seem to be able to write without it, but there's also a lot of angst and guilt and tears. Read at your own risk - I've warned the best I can!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darkest before the Storm

October 1st, 2015

"What's up boss?" Kono asks as Steve slinks into the office. He smiles pathetically in her direction and heads straight to his office. He knows she isn't going to let it lie, she isn't going to ignore his quiet, and braces himself to deflect her. 

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

"Boss?"  
"Yep?" he asks, aiming for nonchalance. His voice catches, though, deep in his throat.  
"What's up? Where's Danny?"  
"Making his own way in. He had Gracie for an extra night so he's taking her to school."  
"You two weren't together last night?" she probes.  
"We had dinner together before he took her home."  
"Ah!" Kono replies, as though it explains his mood. He drags a few folders out of his drawer and begins to flick through them. "You need something? We catch a case?" Kono shakes her head and he gestures at the paperwork. She just smiles and heads out.

It's nearly an hour before Danny gets in and he heads straight to Steve's office. He closes the door and the blinds before he slumps down opposite Steve.  
"We need to finish what we started last night," he says simply.  
"I think it's perfectly clear where we stand," Steve says. "Honestly, I don't want to hash anything else out. It was just an idea. Let's drop it."  
Danny sits for a while, waits for more, but it's clear that Steve has shut down.  
"Don't let this ruin us, babe," Danny says softly. This whole thing is breaking his heart, but he can't change it.  
"I need time."  
Steve sounds utterly broken and Danny knows he needs to leave, to give him some space. He's hurting too, but he can't fix it.  
"I'll partner up with Chin. We’ll go chase down some leads on that import export case."  
Steve simply nods his head—refusing to look at Danny, who rises from his chair and heads out of the door.

When he's gone, Steve lets himself slump back. Danny didn't open the blinds so he takes the opportunity to sulk for a while. He can feel the catch of tears in his throat, the burn of them at the back of his throat, but he bites them back. Steve isn't the sort to cry for hours (last night was an exception and he needs it to stay that way). There's a soft tapping at the door and Kono pokes her head in. It only takes a glance at Steve before she's closing the door behind her and pulling a chair up. She takes his hands in hers and smiles at him softly.   
"You gotta tell someone," she says softly, "might as well be me." He smiles but it's a grim line and her heart breaks just a little. "Steve."   
He draws in a shaky breath and nods.  
"Okay."

*~*

December 2013

"Steve? You home?"  
"In here!"   
Danny follows the shout through to the dining room which backs out onto the lanai. Steve is sitting on the floor, pawing through a box of old photographs.  
"What're you doing, babe?" Danny asks. He pulls a chair up because there's no way his knee is going to take being on the floor.  
"I can't remember and it's driving me nuts!"  
Steve begins to search more frantically and Danny notices the grey pallor of his best friend's face, the shadows beneath his eyes, the wildness to his hair.  
"Hey. Hey!" he exclaims softly, putting his hands on Steve's shoulders so that he stops and faces him. "What can't you remember? Let me help you, okay?"  
Steve lets out a shaky sigh and looks into Danny's eyes. Danny hates to see his best friend hurting so much, to see so much heartbreak and loneliness in his eyes. It seems that it has been more and more like this over the last few weeks. Steve is wallowing and it is scaring Danny—the whole team really—because they’ve never seen him this fractured before. The cracks were there, of course, barely hidden beneath a surface of Navy SEAL/champion of good/hero for the people/best friend ever.  
"The dress my mom wore for Mary's seventh birthday. I was sure it was blue, but Mare says green and I just can't remember and I hate not having that." Steve's voice fades away and his eyes rim red with unshed tears. Danny knows what not having that information is like. He has chunks of Gracie—gaps; things he missed because he is away from her. Not quite like Steve's obvious and unpleasant abandonment issues, but still uncomfortable in their persistence and frequency.  
"Okay," he begins, switching a little into Dad mode to calm the skittish man in front of him. "Let's organise these. We'll put them in piles by year or whatever and we'll find the one you need."

They sort the photos for three hours, at the end of which Steve is less melancholy and more focused. He's shared stories with the photos, opening up more to Danny in that Sunday afternoon than he has since they met. Danny is both happy and sad about this, because it's been a few years now of almost dying for each other and he's only just now found about the pet rabbit with a penchant for shoelaces, and how Mary's first surfboard was her Mom's first too, and how Steve owned a dinosaur t shirt that he practically lived in when he was nine.

Danny knows the man in front of him a little better, both his history and the emotional binds that torture him daily. Steve believes he wasn't enough for his Mom and so she abandoned him; Danny hates that any child feels like that no matter how old they are.  
"I'm gonna head home," he says as the sun begins to dip below the horizon. He stands and cards his fingers gently through Steve's hair. Steve leans into the touch a little and then sucks in his lower lip.  
"Will you stay? Please? I don't . . . I can't be alone right now." Steve's words are heavy in the growing darkness; a sort of plea Danny isn't sure he can answer. He nods anyway, and the relief literally overwhelms Steve, who says against his leg: "I'm so tired, Danno, but I just can't sleep."

"Come on, babe. I'll look after you."   
Danny guides Steve upstairs, helps him with his shirt and shorts, and tucks him under the covers. Steve lies there for just a Steve’s waist, curling them up together. Steve lets out a shuddering sigh and Danny knows he is crying, knows in his soul that the tears Steve sheds are for everything he never had—for every hope that things would change. Danny holds him closer and rides out the tremors before he feels Steve go lax in his arms. Closing his own eyes, he presses closer and makes sure to breathe steadily on Steve's neck so that he can be felt.

In the morning, Steve wakes early but refuses to move. Danny is pressed along his back, his breath ghosting across Steve's spine, and his arm tight around Steve's chest. During the night, Danny has managed to get a leg between Steve's and it's comfortable, safe. Steve needs this, needs to know it's okay to hurt and be sad for a while. Slowly, Danny rouses himself and begins to draw away.  
"No," Steve gasps, pressing Danny's hand closer to his own chest, "just a little while longer."  
Danny knows it's Monday and they need to be heading in, but he presses himself along the firm line of Steve's back and is just there.

 

February 2015

Danny watches from his chair on the beach as Steve slices through the water. It's far too early, but Danny had risen when Steve had, and chose to sit on the beach wrapped in a blanket and watch rather than stay in bed alone.

They sleep together a lot now. It's all they do—sleep—but Danny has no idea what else it means. What does Steve want from this? They seek comfort in each other, only truly feeling comfortable enough to sleep when the other is there. It's gotten bad enough that Danny doesn't sleep hardly at all when he is home with Grace. 

Steve begins to move towards the shore line, standing up to wade through the not-quite foot-deep water. There's a long shelf of beach behind the house before the it drops off enough and the water is to actually deep enough to swim, and the way back seems longer today than usual. Danny watches Steve walk. Objectively, Danny knows Steve is attractive. He is tanned, tall, with barely-there salt and pepper highlights in his hair. Steve's muscles and abs, his tattoos, his eyes: it's a great package. Danny wonders if he could be attracted to Steve: could kiss him, could make love to him. He wonders where this is all coming from.

He isn't sure at all. He's never been with a man—never wanted to. He has no idea about Steve either, though he has often wondered if the stories about boys in the navy are true. It's a long time to be away from home and sex is a relatively risk-free pastime. Obviously, Don't Ask Don't Tell was in force for much of Steve's career, but still. And then there was Catherine. So, yeah, Danny has no idea where this thing they are doing puts them because they both seem pretty straight, objectively, and they are hiding it from literally everyone they know.

"Hey, Danny? You okay?" Steve asks, waving a dripping hand in front of Danny's face.  
"Yeah," Danny grumbles, wiping salt water from his chest. He's only wearing boxers under the blanket, because that's how they sleep.  
"You were doing some hard core thinking there," Steve jokes, but Danny recognises the concern in his eyes.  
"Just thinking about you and me, us," Danny concedes. He is hoping that an emotional discussion will scare Steve away and they can get breakfast. He is wrong.  
"Us? Are we an us now?" Steve probes.  
"No. But the whole sleeping together is making me freak out a bit, to be honest." Danny smiles up at Steve uncertainly. "Do you want us to be us?" Danny asks quietly.  
"I don't know." Steve's frank answer doesn't surprise Danny. Steve probably hasn't even thought about it much.  
"Have you ever done that before? Slept with men, I mean?"   
Steve nods and smirks a little. "Yeah, Danny. A few."  
"Tell me about one of them," Danny asks, his interest into Steve's life almost overwhelming the need to explore this thing between them. Yes, he knows it’s a way of hiding from the rest of the conversation, but Steve’s open and honest response has distracted him as well.  
"You sure?" Steve asks and waits for Danny's nod. He smiles again and pulls the other chair around so he can sit and face Danny while he talks.

 

"There was one guy at Annapolis. It was hard because, you know, guys caught with guys were guys who no longer had a naval career. But AJ, he was cute. Shorter than me, close cropped blonde hair that felt great beneath my fingers. And he gave the best blowjobs. Like, I would be jelly in seconds and could barely think for hours after. But I loved kissing him the best. He was gentle one minute and then fire the next."  
Danny listens carefully. Since the photos, Steve has gotten so much better at sharing with Danny. He is almost prosaic and, the result of that now, is that Danny is a little hard. He is a little turned on by the idea of some short blonde kid at Steve's feet, sucking him off. He coughs uncomfortably. Steve cocks his head a little and raises an eye brow. He doesn't look so happy anymore.  
"Listen, if you don't like that sort of stuff, you probably shouldn't have asked." He moves to stand up and Danny darts forward, pressing a hand to his knee.  
"No, no! I didn't . . . it's not . . . I liked it." Danny swallows and feels the air around them change.  
"Yeah?" Steve asks.   
"Yeah. I think, maybe, we could try the kissing thing? I'm not . . . I've never . . ."  
"Don't think I've ever seen you struggle for words before, Danno!" Steve jokes. "Look, if you're just curious, that's fine. Maybe we can play around a little, give you a few new experiences to never write home about. But I don't want to ruin this thing between us, okay? I don't want us to get in so deep that when it falls apart we can't even be in the same room. You need to think about it." Steve pats Danny's hand and heads back into the house. As he hears the lanai door close, Danny slumps back in the beach chair and digs the heel of his palm into his growing erection. Steve wants him to think but Danny is too turned on for that right now. Instead, he digs his hand into his shorts and begins to jerk himself firmly, trying to get rid of the dull ache deep in his balls. He never knew listening to Steve talk about sex would get him so hot. His breathing becomes raspy and needy as he works himself closer to climax. As he comes, Steve’s words echo in his head: when it falls apart. When, not if.

Behind him, in the shadows of early morning, Steve stands on the lanai and watches the unmistakeable action. Danny turns him on, always has, and Danny has always reminded Steve of AJ. But he wasn't kidding when he said he didn't want to ruin their friendship. He does, however, desperately want to get his hands on Danny. Was that what all of the sleeping together has been about? Was he teasing and taunting him in the hope that one day they might actually fuck. Watching Danny jerk off makes Steve painfully hard himself, but he does nothing, just watches like the creepy voyeur he apparently is now. Then, Danny gasps out into the air and Steve is pretty sure that gasp is his name. He turns and opens the door silently, slipping inside before Danny can spot him and know Steve tricked him into thinking he was alone. Steve wants to feel guilty but can’t, for some reason.

When Danny steps inside a few moments later, he hears Steve's shower running and imagines that Steve is in there, jerking off to images and thoughts of Danny. It causes him to shiver and realise that maybe he does want.

Meanwhile, Steve stands under the hot water and jerks off to images and thoughts of Danny. As he comes, it is with a shiver and he realises that maybe he does want.

March 2015

It's been three weeks since the beach talk, and neither man has made a move. They are both bickering more, frustrated by their lack of action but terrified of making the first move. Kono has dragged Steve surfing several times in the hope that he will open up to her, but there's no way he's sharing any of this with anyone. Danny and he are personal. Behind closed doors. Just for them.

Steve thinks that says it all.

He heads back to the house long after Danny, who got to take Grace out for dinner mid-week because Rachel was working and Gracie wanted to see him. Danny had invited Steve but Steve needed some time, so he begged off and promised next time. Danny had looked a little hurt but he let it go.

Now, when Steve shuffles in through the front door, he finds Danny watching TV in a pair of faded blue boxers—and nothing else.  
"Why is it so warm today?" Danny complains as Steve slumps down next to him.  
"There's a storm building. The air will clear after that," Steve promises. Danny slumps his head onto Steve's shoulder and kicks a leg up onto the arm of the sofa. It's the closest they've been since the talk and Steve shivers a little. Danny pretends not to notice and they continue to watch the dreadful police procedural that Danny had put on. The air is heavy around them, heavy with change. Steve doesn't want change, but he wants to get laid. He doesn't want to ruin his friendship with Danny, but he wants to fuck Danny's ass. So yeah, Steve is a mess of contradiction and uncertainty.

 

"You remember you said about new experiences," Danny begins quietly. Steve hums an agreement; he's listening. "Well, I've been thinking I'd like to maybe try kissing you, because I think you're hot—don’t let that go to your head—and maybe that means kissing would be hot too."  
"Are you sure?" Steve breathes. "You know this can't mean anything, right?"  
"Sure, sure, babe. Of course. Just a couple of best buddies who fool around a bit because they're bored or horny or whatever." The words sound hollow to Steve but he really hopes Danny means them because he wants and right now he can’t seem to think beyond his cock.

"Okay, then." Steve stands up and pulls Danny to his feet. He might not want to fuck their friendship up, but he's going to do this properly no matter what it might lead to. For Danny. He places a palm on Danny's cheek, feels the coarse stubble there, and sighs. He's missed men more than he realised. He places the other hand on Danny's hip so he can control things a little more, make it good for Danny. As Steve leans in he feels Danny shiver beneath him and he smiles a little, pleased Danny is excited. At first, the press of lips is soft and gentle, barely there. For a few moments, Steve keeps things chaste, breathing in Danny's scent as they are pressed together. Then he shifts a little closer, pressing a little harder before opening his mouth some to lick across Danny's lower lip. He does this a few times before dragging Danny in, pressing them against each other, and Danny gives way. He opens his mouth and lets Steve in. Steve can only describe the kiss as perfect, and he wishes it wasn’t. Danny tangles their tongues together, taking some ownership over the kiss, pushing his chest into Steve's a little more. Soon they pull away from each other just enough to gasp for breath.  
"So that was-"  
Steve cuts Danny off with another kiss, this one even harder and more desperate than the first. He manoeuvres them back to the couch, pulls Danny down so that he straddles Steve's hips, and uses a heavy hand to pull Danny closer, to kiss him deeper. His blood is literally boiling, pulsing around his body in a frantic race towards spontaneous combustion. His want is on fire, his cock a thick, hot weight against his thigh. 

Danny's is not. Instead, his cock juts out proudly in front of him, tenting the thin fabric of the boxers. So when Steve pulls him closer, he can feel the damp tip press against his chest through the fabric of his own shirt. He groans and pushes Danny away.  
"Fuck. We need to stop. We need . . . I need to stop."

 

Danny looks worried and Steve smiles reassuringly. "If we don't stop now, I'm not sure I'll be able to at all. And you asked for kissing, not any of the other stuff." He is still breathing heavily and his cock is twitching, desperate for attention, but he won't push Danny for more.  
"Yeah," Danny breaths, "yeah, you're right. We need to stop. I'm not . . . we're not ready, for more." He stands back and unconsciously reaches for his cock, running his hand along the length of it before stumbling backwards. "I'm going to bed."  
Steve laughs, and it's a little smug. " I’m going to grab a shower. Enjoy yourself, Danno," he adds, and Danny flips him the bird before hauling ass upstairs.  
Steve palms his own cock through his cargoes and knows he is totally going to jerk off as well. He stands, turns off the TV and locks up the house. He heads to the bathroom and strips off, slipping beneath the shower head and gasping as the cool water hits his tender flesh. Pouring a little of Danny's shampoo into his hand—and since when the hell did Danny move in? His stuff is everywhere!—and begins to jerk off. He takes his time, slow strokes up with a firm twist before letting go and repeating. Danny's scent surrounds him as he chases his climax, his cock twitching valiantly even after he comes like a freight train across the shower enclosure.

He stays beneath the rapidly cooling water as he gets his breath back, before towelling off. He needs clean boxers. Usually, he takes his clothes into the bathroom with him, since they are practically living together but are 'just friends'. He really doesn't want to put the dirty pair back on, so he wraps his towel around his waist and slips out into the hallway. He listens outside the bedroom door but all is quiet. Steeling himself in case Danny isn't done, he pushes the door open slowly and sees Danny, curled up under the covers. The room smells of sex and Steve knows Danny isn't really asleep, but he gets it. He tugs a clean pair of shorts out of his dresser and pulls them on below the towel before getting into bed. On his back, staring up to the ceiling, he waits. It doesn't take long.  
"Maybe. Maybe we can do . . . other stuff? Soon," Danny whispers into the night.  
"Sure Danny, whatever you want when you're ready. Like I said. Like we agreed. I’m happy to give you new experiences, you know?" 

Steve keeps telling himself this isn't anything other than that, and with the repeated mantra in his mind, he drifts into a restless sleep.

June 2015

All they've done is kiss, and then jerk off separately, for weeks. Steve won't push anything, but the team have noticed they both seem more relaxed and Kono has commented a couple of times that they seem happy. Neither acknowledges her with more than an eye roll or a scowl.

Honestly, though, just kissing gets Steve so fucking hot that sometimes it's hard to wind down. Even after he comes, usually so hard he can barely see straight, he is still wired with thoughts and tastes of Danny. But this is just meant to be fun, something to do to get off without strings. But Steve knows there are strings. Hell—they’re more like six inch thick metal ropes. Sighing heavily, he focuses back on the screen in front of him. He promised himself this would be a friendly thing, like he had with Cath, so why can't he forget about Danny as easily? He tells himself it's because Danny is always there, nearby, in his home or the car or the office.

Truth? He's in love with him.

He is seriously fucked.

"Hey, I was thinking maybe we could go out for dinner?" Danny says from the doorway. Steve startles. He hadn't heard the door open.  
"Sure, where do you want to go? Is Chin dragging us to that Thai place again?" Chin has recently been obsessed; it's gotten boring.  
"Not the team," Danny mutters, "just the two of us."  
"Like a date?" Steve asks warily.  
"No! No, just like a, if I want to take the next step I feel we ought to have dinner first, kind of a thing. You know?”  
This conversation had taken a really weird turn.  
"Next step?" Steve asks.  
Danny moves in and closes the door behind him, so the others can't hear. "Kissing is great, but I'd like more. If you're okay with that? If the agreement still stands?"  
Steve's blood is rushing in his ears so loudly he can barely hear himself think. He's not sure he can do this now—the whole commitment-free-fucking. 

But Danny looks so hopeful.

"How far were you thinking?" Steve asks, his voice catchy and soft.  
"Not sure, but maybe all the way?"  
Fuck. Steve draws in a shaky breath and then forces himself to smile.  
"Sure!" he says. "What are friends for?"   
Danny's face is all relief and want and joy, and Steve did that. Steve gave him that.   
"I've got the perfect place. I'll drive."  
"Okay," Steve concedes easily, and Danny's smile is even brighter as he turns away and leaves.

Is Danny feeling this thing between them, too? Does he feel more than just friends? Steve feels tears prickle behind his eyes and he scrubs at them fiercely. Is he crying because he’s happy, or sad, or petrified? God, is this just about sex for either of them now?

Danny sits back behind his desk and smiles. He clicks a few buttons and completes his reservation at the little Italian place up on the North Shore. Sure, it's a bit of a drive, but he's sure Steve won't mind. He can always drive them home if he wants. Danny's gut is a tangle of excitement and trepidation. He's not had sex in such a long time, but gay sex is all new entirely. He's trusting Steve to look after him, sure that he will. The last few weeks have been a confusing mess for him. One minute they'll be kissing as though they depend on each other for air, the next they're arguing over pickles. Danny has practically—though not formally—moved in, only going home when he has Grace.

He's spent hours agonising over whether he can do this. His attraction to Steve hasn't lessened, and he loves the feel of him and the smell.  
But it stops there.  
He doesn't want to use Steve, but he finds more and more of his decisions being controlled by his dick. So he's come to the conclusion that they should fuck, because then maybe he can see more clearly about everything else. 

Steve seems perfectly content with it all, his 'what are friends for' line still ringing in Danny's ears. So it all seems consensual. Steve is helping him out and Danny is sure he isn't falling for him in anyway. Maybe he's worrying for nothing, because Steve sure as hell doesn't seem worried. Dinner, then. And sex. Danny's cock twitches and he palms it slightly, shifting to adjust himself. So long, too long, since he fucked. He realises the feeling swelling through him, the want, is turning into something more desperate, and he forces himself to concentrate on the work in front of him.

 

The meal is nice and their conversation relaxed. Steve sits and watches Danny closely—for signs of what he isn't sure. They eat, they laugh, they rile each other up. Yet, in the back of his mind, Steve knows what the purpose of this is. It's for sex. Danny didn't need to take him out, didn't need to wine and dine, but here they are. Steve appreciates the effort—though it all feels a little too much like dating and that steps over the line of what they are meant to be doing. 

He's not sure if he cares any more.

“Are you sure?” Steve whispers into Danny’s ear. He feels Danny draw a breath before he nods, a raspy yes drifting into the air around them.  
Steve’s bed is a mess, sheets tangled at the bottom, as the men lay on the bed. They are naked, completely, and covered with a thin sheen of sweat. Roaming hands have explored, lips sucked and bitten, but now Danny wants Steve to fuck him and Steve is panicking. He wants to be good for Danny, wants him to enjoy this, but he also doesn’t want it to be good because then he will have to give it up and he isn’t sure how he can do this.  
“Babe?” Danny whispers. Steve silences him with a kiss and slides down the bed. He has a bottle of lube in his palm but he knows how strange this can all be at first.  
He mouths at the inside of Danny’s thigh, nibbling and sucking and savouring. Then he moves up, nuzzling at Danny’s balls and breathing in the scent of him.  
“Fuck, Steve,” Danny breathes and Steve smiles into the soft skin and hair. He rises up a little, then lowers his mouth slowly over the head of Danny’s swollen cock. It’s been a pretty long time since he did this, but the unique taste of Danny floods his senses and he forgets for a moment that this is meant to be about fucking rather than sucking. He swallows around the throbbing cock, jerking Danny off a little at the same time. The man below him moans and Steve is shocked back to reality. Flicking the cap with one finger, he coats the others with lube, before pressing lightly around Danny’s hole. Danny hasn’t been shy about the fact he’s never done this before. 

Steve presses slowly. Gently, and feels the muscle beneath his finger give slowly, drawing him in. He only presses in to the knuckle at first, gently twisting his finger, stretching the hole carefully. This continues for a few moments before he presses further and Danny’s groan rolls through his body and Steve draws back.  
“Okay?” he asks softly. Danny looks down at where Steve lays between his legs, mouth wet with saliva and pre-come, lips red, face flushed, and eyes concerned.  
“Honestly? This is awesome!”  
Steve smiles and sinks back to his task. He sucks Danny with more vigour, hollowing his cheeks and drawing Danny’s cock deeper until it bumps his throat. He presses first one, then two, then finally three fingers deep into Danny. It’s intense and all consuming—being this close to someone he has coveted for so long. Danny is all moans, and heat, and tightness around his fingers.

“Are you ready?” Steve gasps, not sure how much longer he can hold off. Danny’s answering gaze is a confusing mix of want, heat and fear. “I’ll take it slow,” Steve says gently, moving up to press soft kisses to Danny’s mouth and jaw.  
“Yes,” Danny breathes, I’m ready.”  
Steve tugs a couple of pillows down and lifts Danny’s hips, placing the pillows beneath. Then he unrolls and condom and sheathes himself before pressing the head of his cock to Danny’s ass. He breathes shallowly, fights for control over himself, before pushing slowly in. 

The heat is intense. Steve had neglected himself entirely during his preparation of Danny, and so now the sensation of being surrounded by Danny threatens to overwhelm him completely. He pauses and glances at Danny. It was a mistake. Danny’s eyes are wide, the pupils blown and lust-dark, and he is looking at Steve as though he hung the moon.   
“You okay?” Danny asks and Steve nods. He can’t speak now. It feels to him as though there has been a spell cast over them and is he speaks, if he says anything at all, he will destroy the moment entirely. Instead, he presses further in before drawing back. Danny moans; deep, rich, content and gorgeous. Steve sinks down so that his arms rest either side of Danny’s head, and thrusts slowly. 

Each push in widens Danny’s eyes, each draw back releases a gasp from the blonde man’s chest. Steve presses their foreheads together as he establishes a torturously slow rhythm, changing it frequently so that neither of them finds their release too early. Danny’s cock is thick and heavy between then, and Steve focuses his efforts on trapping it between them infrequently—just enough to tease without climaxing.

The effort is overwhelming. Danny is everywhere. Their sweat mingles where their heads are pressed together. They share oxygen. Their faces mirror each other—slack with lust and joy. Danny’s hands grip Steve’s ass and push him deeper, suddenly changing the angle so that Steve’s cock brushes against the bundle of nerves that is his prostate. Danny gasps—the sensation at once incredible and too much.  
“Fuck,” Danny whispers, the first word either has spoken in a good while. “More,” he whispers, pressing soft kisses to Steve’s neck and jaw, and licking into the hollow at Steve’s throat.

So Steve gives him more. Grunting with the effort, he thrusts deeper and harder, over and over, until Danny is a mess between them. Danny reaches down to grip his own cock but Steve grabs his wrist, holding it above Danny’s head as he thrusts more frantically. “No,” he growls softly, and Danny shivers as the slight change in angle means Steve is now pounding against his prostate. Over and over. Over and over.

Danny screws his eyes shut and gives into the sensations of Steve completely overwhelming him. Sparks being to settle in his belly, the hum of electricity where his climax begins to churn and curl within him, seeking an exit.

When he comes, Danny is surprised by the intensity and suddenness of it. He has never come like this before. Hot ropes of it lace onto his chest and Steve groans at the sight before he leans down to lick at spots that have reached Danny’s nipple. Overstimulated, Danny writhes below him, and Steve settles back again. The friction here is delicious and he savours it a little longer before he thrusts deep one last time and gives over to his own orgasm.

Hours later, Steve lies next to a softly snoring Danny, and frets. Fucking Danny was the best sex he’s ever had, the best experience he’s known, and now he has to figure out a way of both living without it and possibly having it more. He has no idea what Danny wants. But he knows that what he wants isn’t on the cards. At least, that’s what he thinks. As he glances down at where a still-sticky Danny rests against his side, hand wrapped firmly around Steve’s hip, he wonders if he might not get what he desires most.

All of Danny.

September 2015

Steve is screwed. 

Danny has a boyfriend.

To say this came as a shock is an understatement. Danny had said he wasn’t coming over one night, Steve jokingly asked him if he had a date, he said he did.

Steve’s world collapsed.

“Oh yeah?” Steve asks while he fights with the urge to vomit. “What’s her name?”  
“Actually, it’s Mike,” Danny said quietly, a soft smile curling on his lip.  
“Oh. Well, have a good time.”  
“Will you be okay?” Danny asks.  
“Of course!” Steve smiles and shoos Danny away.

That was eight hours ago. It went dark a while ago, but Steve still sits in his office. He can’t go home. Can’t lie in the bed he and Danny fucked in last night while Danny is maybe at Mike’s house, fucking him.

What a goddamn mess.

Steve doesn’t move though. He seethes first—because he is angry that he isn’t enough for Danny. Then he mopes—because he is sad that he isn’t enough for Danny. Finally, he simply stares out of his office window and waits for the sun to rise.

When Chin arrive at a quarter to eight, hair still damp from the ocean, he startles at the sight of Steve already in his office doing paperwork.  
“Isn’t that what he wore yesterday?” Kono asks, sliding up next to him.  
“Who can say?” Chin answers honestly, “Steve’s wardrobe isn’t very imaginative or varied.”

Kono takes Steve a coffee and tells him he looks like shit. Steve laughs it off as a night of drinking and partying. Kono doesn’t believe him but doesn’t call him out on it. Steve sends her away and buries himself in paperwork he would normally fob off onto Danny and hopes that no one else notices how fucking shit he looks.

Danny notices but doesn’t say anything. He is a coward and he hates himself for it. But he keeps quiet.

And that is how things go for the next sixteen days. Danny goes out four more times with Mike and Steve stays at the office. The nights in between, Danny and Steve go home together and Steve lets Danny fuck him, takes everything he gives him, and then silently cries himself to sleep even as his skin hums with Danny’s proximity.

Steve tells himself it will pass. Sometimes he believes Mike will fuck up and he can breathe a little easier. Then he remembers that the reason they are in this situation is because he kept everything too ‘friends with benefits’ for too long. And then there is the time Mike comes to the office and Danny introduces everyone before they go for dinner.

“Mike’s a lot like you, isn’t he, boss?” Kono probes. She is right, of course. He is tall, dark, blue eyed, though he’s no Nave SEAL.  
“Can’t see it myself,” Steve replies, his chest tight. He hides back in his office.

On the sixteenth day, Danny gets an extra Gracie night, and he wants to share it with Steve.  
“We’ll bring Chinese food, hang out, maybe swim a little. It’ll be fun,” Danny says from where he is leaning against the door frame into Steve’s office.  
“Of course. I’d love to spend some time with Grace,” Steve says by way of reply. Deep down, he is terrified that he will barely see her when Danny and Mike get more serious. He will miss her. He loves her almost as much as he loves her Dad.  
Danny looks wonderingly at Steve a little before he pushes off and heads out o collect his monkey from school.

 

Steve sits in the chair and watches the ocean. Gracie has fallen asleep on the sofa and Danny wants to leave her there a while before they head home. Steve had suggested beers on the beach. Danny is driving so takes one low on alcohol and joins him.  
“What’s going on with you?” Danny asks pointedly. His beer is nestled in the sand at his feet and he is studying Steve intently.  
“Nothing, Danno,” Steve shrugs.  
“That’s a load of crap, babe,” Danny says softly, placing a hand on Steve’s knee.

Steve draws in the shakiest of breaths and continues his forlorn stare towards the horizon.  
“Okay, how about this. I talk, you listen?”  
Steve doesn’t nod, or agree, but that doesn’t stop Danny.  
“You’re jealous. I found Mike and now you don’t get as much time with me as before. Maybe you’re frustrated? Sexually, I mean.”  
Fuck. What a bastard” Steve feels anger surge through him but he swallows it back.  
“That’s a low blow, Danny. Is that all I mean to you? Because you mean a hell of a lot more to me than a casual fuckbuddy.”  
Shit. Too many words.  
“What do you mean?”

Steve slips back into silence though a torrent of words struggles to the surface. He swallows beer and stares and tries hard not to give into the urge to blurt out everything he’s held back.  
“Do you love me?” he finally asks.  
“Of course I do, babe!” Danny says solemnly.  
“Not what I mean,” Steve continues. His eyes are glassy now. “I am jealous. Not because we don’t fuck as much—though the sex is incredible—but because I am in love with you. I want you to move in, properly, not just leaving your stuff scattered about between here and your apartment, and really give us a go.”  
Danny is silent. He draws back, resting his hands in his lap.  
“What happened to ‘just friends’, Steve? Huh? What happened to all those times you said this could never mean anything more than ‘new experiences’?”  
Danny must be angry because he doesn’t emphasise a single word with his hands; rather he keeps them firmly clasped in his lap, as though they will fly out and do something he regrets.  
“That’s what it was, I promise,” Steve continues softly. “But I fell in love with you along the way. We were always so close, but then you were always there. And you listened and understood. When we’re together it takes some of the pain away. I am in love with you.”  
Steve wants to kiss Danny. He wants to hold him, feel the heat of him, but Danny is so closed off and he knows he’s fucked everything up. “Please say something,” he whispers, tears rolling down his cheeks because he knows he doesn’t really want to hear what Danny has to say.

The silence stretches between them, sinuous and painful. When Danny finally breaks it with a huff of a breath, Steve simply closes his eyes and buries his face in his palms.  
“Steve. We promised this would just be sex, or whatever we did. We promised we wouldn’t ruin our friendship and I stuck to that. God, I do love you Steve, but I can’t ever love you in the way you want. It can’t be a thing between us. We work together, we know things about each other that we would never want anyone else to know, we’re family. Ohana. And yes, when I say it like that the whole sex thing seems really fucked up—but we’ve always lived a little on the edge. But us? I need us to not change.”  
“We have to change,” Steve says solemnly, his throat scratchy and raw. “We can’t sleep together, in any capacity, because every time we do, my heart breaks. Don’t you understand? It doesn’t matter what we promised, what we said, how this started. It’s all fucked up anyway.”  
“You’re right,” Danny says, as he tugs Steve’s hands away from his face and looks into the eyes of the man whose heart he just broke. He feels like shit.  
“I am sorry,” Danny says, “I want to give you the things you want, but I just can’t.”  
“You should take Gracie home,” Steve says as a fresh wave of anguish washes over him. “It’s late and she has school.”  
“Not yet. We need to talk about this.”  
“There’s nothing left to say,” Steve says. He rises quickly. Shrugs off his shirt and shorts and underwear and strides desperately into the ocean. Danny won’t follow him in here, and he can’t cry and swim at the same time. As he feels the edge of the ocean shelf beneath his feet he dives forward and allows the salt water to consume him.

Danny watches as Steve runs away. Fuck. Everything is such a mess. He knew, all those months ago, that this was a bad idea. But he talked himself out of it because it felt good. What a jerk! 

He ended up hurting one of the most important people in his life because of his own selfishness, his greed, his want.  
“Danno?” Grace’s voice is sleep-soft as it drifts across the lawn towards where Danny watches Steve slice through the water. “Where’s Uncle Steve?” she asks.  
“Swimming, baby,” he says, and gestures for her to come out so he can point out Steve’s distant form.  
“It’s too late for swimming. You always say we have to swim when the sun’s up.”  
“But Uncle Steve’s a SEAL, he can swim whenever. Remember, monkey?”  
“I remember,” she says. “Come on, Danno, before Mom calls to find out where I am.”

Danny and Grace climb into the Camaro and take off towards the mansion. Inside, Danny is screaming. Screaming for the clock to turn back so he can fix this mess before it started. Outwardly, Danny maintains a pointless but pleasant conversation with his teen aged daughter. She watches him strangely, but doesn’t say anything.

October 1st, 2015

“You’re in love with him?” Kono asks.  
“Yep,” Steve says, his face tear stained and tight, his throat raw, his heart in pieces.  
“Oh,” Kono says softly. Then she stands and pulls Steve’s head in to her belly and holds him close as the sobs ratchet up again. He wants to stop crying.

Why did it have to be like this?

After a while, Kono pulls back and places a soft kiss on his forehead. “Come stay over with me for a few days. I could do with the company, with Adam being . . . and you need a change of scenery.”  
Steve nods.  
“We’ll complain about stupid men and eat ice cream and, if you are really lucky, we’ll paint our nails!” she laughs and Steve feels his face slip into a forlorn grin.  
“Thanks, Kono,” he says gently. Voices drift into the office from around the table. Lou’s deep, gravelly voice stronger, but Danny’s painfully clear.  
“I’ll go. You catch up on that,” she says, gesturing at the piles of paper and folders which litter his desk. “Then, deal with that stuff the governor called in while they were out,” she continues with a wink, “we got this.”  
“Thank you,” he breathes. She ruffles his hair before she leaves.  
Steve turns and looks out his window. The sky is beginning to darken and Steve can’t help thinking of what his mother used to say.

“It’s always darkest before the storm, Steve, but eventually it all blows over. There might be a few damaged trees, a few broken trees, but everything heals eventually.”

He hopes and prays that she’s right.


End file.
